Today's Mood

Claire with a cold so I went to Airplay by myself last night and had a bad time. I took the Casio and signed up for open mike but there were so many people signed up we only got one song each. It took so long to set up the keyboard I felt rushed and didn’t find a groove. I sang I Dreamed I Saw Bob Dylan with the rhythm track. I didn’t do all that bad really, but sitting by myself afterwards I got into the Loner Loop, everybody else sitting together at tables talking and laughing. Finally I just picked up my keyboard and left. When I got home I realized I had forgotten the stand so I had to drive all the way back to get it. I was driving the blue Volvo and the oil light started coming on. I got stuck for about ten minutes behind a slow freight train on Stark Street. Back home, Claire was immersed in video games and feeling miserable. We went to bed and I dreamed all night long that I was losing my mind.

Now I’m awake on another chilly, sunny morning. I haven’t caught the cold yet. Maybe I won’t. Those gnawing self-doubts are almost like a virus themselves. At the open mike there were a few loners with guitars who made awkward appearances, sang troubled songs, and disappeared shortly afterwards into the night. God may love us all, but not everyone finds love and fulfillment in this lifetime. I should have paid more attention to other people last night, I should have talked to them. But even then I was thinking, I should pay more attention to other people, I should talk to them. The force of the mood was too strong. Eventually I decided the best course was to retreat.

God, today give me more love for others in equal parts with more love for myself.